13 Nov 2009

So then.............. I've been asked to put a few more reviews up. Not cherry picked sometimes good and sometimes critical. I've copied and pasted so if there are any duplicates ... soz.

Hi Teresa,I like this, it seems to be a fun and 'cheeky' story that is written well. You are sure ta capture the imagination of your target audience and I look forward to reading more. Shelved for now though.Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy)

Steve Ward
Teresa,You have some great writing here, very fast paced narrative, but pheeew, it took nine chapters to get Erasmus and Shasta together with almost no action or dialogue. The opening is quite gripping, but it is very difficult to hod readers even one or two chapters without dialogue. Much of that narrative and indirect dialogue (he told them this, she told them that) could be converted to direct dialogue to make the story come alive. Also there needs to be some conflict, action or trouble along the way to help develop each character. All good stories thrive on conflict. Just suggestions from an old editor, feel fee to ignore, it is your story. Fun read, good luck with it.
Steve WardTest Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Went through the first couple of chapters. What a terrific read and the pitches sealed the deal. SHELVED!I could use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!
JC The Obergemau Key

Simon Swift
Great pitch! Pulls you right in and doesnt let go! Happy to shelve and read more at my leisure! Good luck with this!
Simon x

You do set up the story well. I slipped into it. Stopped looking for nits or way it could be improved and just read. What a time to live in. Carefully line to walk. Very nice. Good luck and on my shelf. C.P

Chapter one I'd delete 'around her stomach' .....I could picture her in my minds eye without you saying that.... Chapter Two When you said.....Even Eramus sisters felt sorry for him....I quickly thought.....Of course they would, why wouldn't they be feeling the same, they lost the same father ? Lovely read, a nice balance of intrigue, fantasy and romance.....My 16 year old would love this. backed.

Phyllis Burton
Hello Teresa,I have read all that you have updated on the site and to be honest with you, I was disappointed not to be able to read more. This is a marvelously ingenious plot: time travel, two people (time apart) born on the 31st October etc. you have a recipe for a superb story. Your characters are real and the dialogue moves the story on. Young adults would love this and that is why I am SHELVING it, because with just a little fine tuning here and there, you have material that should get published. You said that it was set in Cornwall - my favourite place. I spend about three months of the year there (going down on Tuesday for a week).
Phyllis BurtonA Passing Storm
(I would appreciate it if you would have a look at mine please)

At the start of chapter 4 you have some huge paragraphs. I would suggest you try to split them to make it an easier read especially since this is for YA readers. The plot with magic and telepathy and time travel seems to have it all. It will keep your readers enthralled. Apart from the huge paragraphs I think this is well done and should be popular. I will back your book with pleasure.
TonyLife Bringer

My youngest son was born on 31st October, a Halloween child. It was for him I made up my stories in my books. I’m not sure if it’s good to use ‘etc’ in such a book.This is quite nice to read and the pace is just right for the YA market. I think you could add some narrative to the first few chapters to break up the story telling. It is well written and I didn’t notice any errors in the four chapters I read. I think the gradual build up of his powers is good and more realistic than just getting them on a single day. I am happy to back your book. Adrian

Cato Sulla
I won't pick you up on your grammar, I'll leave that to others far more qualified to do so. Just one little thing that irked me a bit was the first two mammoth paragraphs in chapter one, bust them up! OK, that's the nit pick out of the way, now for the praise and yes there is plenty.
Your main character Erasmus, great name by the way, it's so important to name your characters well. He is a strong and integral part of the book and your portrayal of him is superb. I can close my eyes and see his black gaze (an amulet called the 'nazar boncugu' is still worn in countries in the middle east such as Turkey to ward off those that possess the 'evil eye') very well done I must say.We have only seen a little of Shasta's character but already I think she will be more than a match for Erasmus.All in all three excellent chapters. Needs a bit of tightening but then again so does just about every book on this site, mine included!
Backed again with pleasure.
Bob x

Jane Alexander
Teresa, this has a wonderfully elemental feel to it - I could almost feel the sea crashing against the shore -and you have picked my favourite coastline for this tale. I think the story could be even stronger though with a little work. You often invert sentences which slows down the read so maybe think about that - for eg, change to 'There had been constant movement.....'Just a little nitpick - people are hanged, meat is hung. Sorry, one of my pet niggles.There is a lot of backstory in the first chapter and I wonder if maybe we could find out about Erasmus' growing up as we move on through the book. It's interesting but again, it slows down the read. Check POV too - are you going to switch between Erasmus and Shasta? That would make sense.....Oh, and going back, when Erasmus makes the two girls levitate....wouldn't that be a very dangerous thing to do? Might they not report him and he'd be accused of withcraft, like his aunt?Sorry, that sounds like a lot of niggles, but really it's only because I do think this could be even better.I'm going to back this for great imagination and promise.

1 comment:

R.R.Jones said...

Looking good Teester.
How you doin' me ol' China?
I've had a nightmare with my website, thank God Richard's there because I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Whatever, it'll sort itself out eventually... I hope.