19 Sep 2010

Sunday Smile from Poppet

I sooo had to nick these....
Reg you're gonna love the 'directory enquiries' for Cardiff. I actually went to this place in Wales oh so many hundreds of years ago. I'm surprised it hasn't been converted to an Irish Paddy joke!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.


Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

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Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'

Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'.

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

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Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

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Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
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On to the super scary!

A 3 year old was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet", she repied.
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 What a great way to start a Sunday off. Hope you enjoyed them. Bring them on Poppet.
This one is from me it makes me smile every time I read it ............

           YOUR DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary

surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet

pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's

chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and

sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has

passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the

vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean

you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the

room. He returned a few minutes later with a black

Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on

in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his

front paws on the examination table and sniffed the

duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the

vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out

of the room. A few minutes later he returned with

a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately

sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back

on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and

strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,

but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!"

she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The

vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my

word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

                 ------------------------------------------------------

You know the drill ... if you're smiling, you must pass it

on, give someone else a smile too! Share the laughter

16 Sep 2010

COLT - A Time For Living

COLT aka Colin Theakston came to my notice through the Struggling Authors web site. Recently a review of his book A Time For Living was undertaken by this now well known reviewing site http://all-review.co.uk/
They are also affiliated to http://pushbooks.co.uk/ As the name suggests they review and push !!!

Below is what Neil Kirby at all-review said about Colin's book................

A Time For Living
By

Colt (Colin Theakston).

Genre. Thriller.

Colin Theakston aka Colt has merged many qualities into this gem of a read. Thrilling, mysterious, romantic and factual are some of the traits that could be used to describe it.

The novel is centred around British Writer, Laurence Hardy who lives in a small English town in Oxfordshire. He is a quiet albeit well respected member of his community and seemingly nice chap with what would normally be described as a fairly regular life. To his few friends and neighbours he is a normal man with a normal life, he is fortunate to travel the world in order to carry out research for his writing, but to everyone who knows him, Hardy is just a man who has found success in his work, a bit of a loner but well liked by the few who know him. In truth, Hardy was not all that he seemed; he has an alter ego known within worldwide intelligence factions as Geoffrey Summers.

As Summers, he is an independent agent who we first meet out-doing the American FBI when finding a young kidnap victim; returning her safely to her US Senator father and mother. Very little is known about Summers within the intelligence agencies. He is a wanted man but it has not been decided whether he is on the side of wrong or right, what they do know is that he has helped international governments on more than one occasion.

Summers is made aware of an impending terror strike by Al Qaeda and their intention to utilise his skills in the major terrorist threat. Summers is forced to take the assignment to avoid having his true identity revealed by the one high ranking official who knows it.
After very tense and interesting meetings with an Al Qaeda leader in Paris, who Colt portrays as a vicious
and dangerous man, Summers enters an agreement with the terrorists to deliver weapons intended for a terrorist strike within the United Kingdom, for a substantial amount of money.

At this point, the story takes a turn and Colt introduces Josh Wilson. Josh is a man of leisure living in the UK on his recently acquired canal-barge. He travels around the picturesque countryside along the canals of England sometimes making cargo deliveries between depots at different towns alongside the canals. Josh, through a very good friend and business partner Alec, meets Samantha, who as well as being seriously ill has other secrets that could damage her newly found friendship with Josh.

On their waterways trip together, Josh and Sam become very close and Sam, who up until this point had been diagnosed as terminally ill, feels that her time on the water with Josh had changed her life in a much better way. She knew it was not to last, Josh was to drop her off with her sister where she intended living out her final days. But since their meeting, everything had changed; she felt healthier, happier and was falling for her new companion. The only regret she felt was a past indiscretion that haunted her and would almost definitely end her affiliation with Josh.

Summers has made sure that Josh and Sam are involved in the terrorists plot. Unknowingly, Josh has taken cargo onto his barge to deliver further along his journey. It is the same cargo that Summers had agreed to take for a substantial amount of money.

Colt has painted a contrasting picture of Summers; he is a clever man who appears to be on the right side of the law, but as the story progresses, you ask yourself what his intentions are. He appears to be a renegade driven by greed. Will he redeem himself?

A Time For Living is numerous stories in one. A lot of time is spent becoming acquainted with Hardy and his other self, Geoffrey Summers. Then you are introduced to Josh Wilson and his new companion Samantha, who met through friends living in a public house near to the canal network. In time, the stories merge making for exciting and enthralling reading, With the well researched content including the factual towns, villages and public houses mentioned during Josh and Sam`s trip along their canal route.


You are kept on the edge of anticipation waiting for the next turn of events. The passages describing how Josh and Sam become closer are really well written and delicately done. As the reader you will find yourself hoping that everything works out well for them but doubting the possibility of it. As for Summers you are not so sure. Colt has created a very clever and elusive character who you commend at the start of the book for single-handedly saving the life of a young child. But your suspicions are alerted when he takes on a contract with the terrorist group; something that he would never normally do. But financial gain, in the region of millions seemingly plays a big part in his decision to work with the organisation.


This book is an excellent and well written story, with thrilling action, cleverly thought out plots and endearing tale. A must read which; I hope leads on to the next.

And the next - A Time For Crying - will be available by Christmas 2010 I understand. fingers crossed.

12 Sep 2010

I've snitched this from Poppet's blog

Hope she doesn't mind.
I'm tring to write the fourth book in the Shasta series and these are so funny.


BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.





2 Sep 2010

The Paranormal - Goosebumps or Not

I was over sneaky beaking a look at another website "Authors on Show".
I don't get the chance to get over there much, but I noticed that at the moment, Lorraine Holloway-White who is a medium and also administrator of the site is looking for any kinds of stories regarding the paranormal.
Here is a passage from Lorraine's blog............

                ...................Recently, I asked if anyone would like to share their paranormal experiences with me for my latest book. This is to be a book with a difference. Instead of just your stories, I shall add explanation using my mediumistic skills.
The idea came about as so many people all over the world, have sent queries to me, which they wanted me to explain. It occurred to me that this could make an interesting book.
As with books of this kind, there is to be no payment made to individuals who wish to see their experiences in print. Those selected will, however, receive a free explanation by return of e-mail about their experience, and what it may have meant, in advance of it being used.

They have been flooding in, but I need many more from all over the world. If you have an experience you would like to share, please contact me at:

                                   paranormal@authorsonshow.com


You can read more about spiritual matters, or read some of my books at http://askamedium.wordpress.com/ ................

So there you have it folks. If you have any unexplained paranormal stories tucked away in those dark recesses, get to it and email Lorraine with the details at the address above. It may well be featured in her next book AND she may be able to help you out with an explanation.

At the moment I'm trying to collate details of books to promote on here ... Watch this space because once I start there will be some magnificent reading to be had. I only pick what in my opinion is the best of the crop and it isn't easy when they is so many good books to choose from.