23 Jun 2018

Take a Psychic and a Children's Entertainer

Hello my little chickadees

I'm really excited about this visitor to my cave. We have known each other for quite a few years and we have the same gifts. Consequently we sat in my end of the cave away from all the blood and gore enjoying a sophisticated chat over tiffin and cucumber sandwiches with crusts cut off naturally. I can do things proper you know. Oh yes indeede....

So then here she is,

Cheryl Turtlemoon

Hello Cheryl would you like to introduce yourself/family etc

Hi! Thanks for interviewing me Tee! I’m Cheryl, and I am married to Reg, a children’s entertainer, and I have one son called Miran and we have a dog :)

Reg E Mental with Chester monkey

Where in the world do you live. 

I live in Herne Bay in Kent, England.

You are a renowned psychic/medium. Can you explain simply what are the differences between a psychic; a medium; a clairaudient; a clairvoyant etc. How does it work?

Oooh interesting question. How I see it is: a psychic is someone who works with energies, like auras and stuff, a medium works with spirit - those who’ve passed over, creating a link much like a telephone exchange :) Clairaudient means to hear spirit. (Audio being sound) Clairvoyant- can see spirit (voyant - from the French “voyer” Clairsentience - “feeling” spirit, and gaining information this way. Claircognizance -“ knowing” the information from spirit without being told. I’m both clairvoyant and clairaudient, with a touch of everything else:)

Your favourite food/drink, hot and cold

My favourite drink at the moment is vanilla tea. It’s a hot drink and caffeine free, yet I’m addicted to it!

Tell us about a typical day for you, or are they all different

My days are all different, the only thing that happens every single day is tarot card of the day. I pull one card, and that’s put in my group on Facebook, so everyone can see the “flavour “ of their day.

Your favourite pet from time immemorial

My favourite pet is my current pet. Oscar, who is 9, runs closely in joint first simply because of his nature. When I got ill he sat with me for months while I was getting better. He is always there and I find him a great comfort.

Where in the world would you choose to go for a holiday if someone else was picking up the tab.

I’d go to Sidari, in Corfu. I absolutely adore it there and I’d spend a very long time there if someone else wanted to pay, lol! Or Rome, so I can see the Sistine chapel and roman ruins.

Do you have time for hobbies Cheryl 

I paint, badly, but I love just picking up colour, or drawing a face.

Do you ever work with crystals

I do work with crystals but mainly on myself. I find them very effective and useful. They’ve helped me on many occasions and my favourite is Tourmaline:) I don’t work on others because I can’t afford the course:)

At the start of your day, do you ever get premonitions of what might happen that day

I sometimes get a feeling like - yesterday I felt we would get some news, and an appointment letter came in the post. Apart from that I sometimes get an unnerving feeling and it usually turns out to be some world news, rarely personal.

When did you first realise you were psychic. How did it happen

I was born this way. The first time I realised that other people couldn’t see what I could see was when I was at school and mentioned someone that others couldn’t see. Also, I was in science class and I “saw” an Earth quake in Japan that had happened. When I got home it was being reported on the evening news. After that people were a bit wary of me. I’ve seen spirit since I was a child. I was very much a loner, although I had friends I didn’t have many. I have a brother, but I actually spent a lot of time with spirit children. I didn’t realise they were spirit children at the time, I was too young! They were friends:)

I know that you are an ordained member of the church. Would you like to tell us how that fulfills you

I am a Spiritulist minister. I mostly do funerals and christenings, though I’ve done 1wedding. I find funerals an honour to do. It’s the last thing people will remember about their loved one, and I try to make it as personal as possible. I try to bring the flavour of their loved one forward. It fulfills me by allowing me to be of great service. It’s such an honour to be asked. Although it’s obviously a very sad occasion, celebrating someone’s life and achievements is truly a gift to me.

What do you do for fun and do you get the chance very often

For fun, my guilty pleasure is you tube and studying. Yes, I have no life, lol!

How successful do you feel your website is and do you think you could enhance it in any way.

I think my website could probably do with a spruce up, but it’s very successful. I’ve had over 44,000 visitors and of course it keeps me employed, doing tarot readings and phone readings:)

How do tarot cards affect your day to day life and how much faith do you have in them

I have immense faith in the tarot. I often consult them personally for things that are going on in my life, and I get much advice from them. The card of the day effects my life in that I know what shape my day could be in :)

Being very spiritual do you have a favourite arch angel that you work with or do they all help you

They all help me, but I have a special spot for any angels in general because they make me feel so loved, and are such a beautiful vibration.

Can you tell us about your spirit guides. Do they come in at will or do you have to summon them

My main guide is a chap called Atticus. I’ve no idea of his background except that he seems very wise and grounded. He has lots of patience and has a dry sense of humour and says what he thinks. I have accidentally quoted him literally and got into trouble because I didn’t think first! I just repeated Atticus’s observations!

What is your favourite day of the week and what do you do

Sunday, although I sometimes work in the evenings serving my local spiritualist church. Usually, I get to sit down and just rest.

When you’re chilling at home what are your favourite clothes to relax in

I wear dresses often. I can no longer wear jeans due to an operation, and I sorely miss them, but dresses are comfortable and I have many, all very brightly coloured (I’m not known for my subtlety or dress sense)

Your favourite genre to read or do you just select randomly.

I tend to read mostly factual or self help books. When I do read fiction it’s usually fantasy, and I do select that based on the blurb of the back cover. And yes, I read paper books, though I’m hopefully going paperless.

What an interesting chat I had with Cheryl Turtlemoon. Just for once I ignored all the blood and gore and just enjoyed the gossip. I hope you did too. 

Pop over to her website if the muse takes you and see all the goodies etc on sale. Maybe you fancy a reading. Cheryl does many ranges of prices and it can also be done by Skype if that's your preference.

Right then back to the blood and gore. I think I have a gardener coming up next. I might put in some sound effects from previous inhabitants screams. I want her to feel comfortable here. (evil cackle)

Laters Potaters

16 Jun 2018

John holt

Hello my little chickadees
What a wonderful day and the sun is shinning. Fledgling magpies are dive bombing my windows on a regular basis. It's driving me nuts. Sheesh! There is a lovely odour of barbecue food cooking outside and I'm stuck here in my cave awaiting my latest victim. I let him out for some fresh air. I'm surprised he hasn't legged it to be honest.
All I hear is, "can't you hear that noise?" Ah here he comes now and believe it or not he has gone straight over to the wall and put his arms up ready to be manacled. Oh well, I can do that. Right then that's him safely hooked up.

Right then John, introduce yourself to my friends,


The name’s John, and thank you for inviting me here to this ….. er …..you know I’ve been thrown out of better places than this. But I understand that some people are dying to get here.

Tee: Some people actually come here and are never seen again. So make the most of it!

Where do you live John? 

I live just 40 miles north of London, in the beautiful County of Essex. 

John's Garden

Have you any pets and what would be your favourite pet from time immemorial?

Over the years we have had three dogs, and three cats. What is that noise? Sounds like someone screaming. Anyway, the three cats actually felt sorry for us, and adopted us. There it is again, don’t you hear it. Sounds like someone being murdered. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I remember, our dog Saskia. She is a cross breed, with a bit of husky, and probably Alsatian. She is a rescue from Romania. She is 10 months old, and we have had her since she was 4 months. She is slowly getting used to things, but its a long slog. She is quite intelligent, but gets easily side tracked. She has had some training, but we will soon be taking her to another class. We have never had pets though; they have always been family members. As for picking a favourite, sorry no can do. They were all great, with their own quite different personality.


Tee: Never mind the screaming. Just pay attention to the questions

What sort of food/drink do you enjoy?
I like all types of food, except I’m not into Indian food. I don’t really like spicy dishes. I suppose I prefer simple cooking. I do like my vegetables, and roast potatoes. As for drink, mainly coffee. I’m not one for alcohol, but I do like the occasional whiskey and American.

What inspired you to start writing?

That noise again. Sorry what, oh, yes. I don’t know. I guess like a lot of people, I had always wanted to write a novel. But I could never thing of a decent plot. Then in 2005 we had a holiday in the Austrian lake district. About a mile from our chalet was Lake Toplitz. During the war the lake had been used by the German Navy, to test rockets and torpedoes. As the war ended there were rumours of gold bullion being hidden in the lake. Sadly no gold was ever found in the lake, but the story gave me an idea for a novel, and 12 months later “The Kammersee Affair” was published.

Tee: Will you stop going on about the noises. It’s just the wild animals gnawing on bits of body parts I’ve discarded.

I know you’re self published but what persuades you NOT to go for a publishing house?

I think they were called Rejection Slips. Seriously, I thought it would be so easy to get published, but I soon realised that the traditional publishers were only interested in celebrity memoirs. But I did get some offers. Dorrance Publishing in New York wanted my book, and in return all they wanted was $10000.  Yes they were a vanity publisher. Eventually I went with another vanity publisher, also in New York, they only wanted $400. Then in about 2010 along came Night Publishing, (remember them). They were different, and required no money upfront. In 2012 they published my novel “A Killing In The City”. Sadly the whole exercise was not very successful, so towards the end of 2012 I went down the self publishing route. I now have 9 novels, and 3 novellas, all self published.

What do you feel are the pro’s and con’s of self publishing

Self publishing is easy, and cost nothing, if you do everything yourself, including cover design, editing and formatting. With self publishing you have full control. But of course because self publishing is easy and free, everyone is doing it, and competition is high. Much of the material published is rubbish, but it is out there. Being in complete control does, of course, mean that marketing is down to you, and that is getting harder and harder.

If money was no object where would you travel to in the world and who would you take? 

What a question. There are so many places I would like to see, and many of them aren’t that far away. There are also many places that don’t interest me particularly. I suppose if pressed, and money was no object, I would say Australia. Who would I take? My wife and daughter, naturally.

How do you like the ambience of my interview cave? Has it got the right odours or do I need more blood and sawdust on the floor?

Well I’m not too sure about the colour scheme. I mean blood red is OK I guess, but you can have too much I think. And it doesn’t really go with that greenish yellow slime. Did you have an interior decorator do it for you, or is it your own work? The chains hanging on the wall are OK, and the bones scattered around is a nice touch, but I really think adding the rack is stretching things a bit too far.

Tee: It was all my own work actually and I haven’t tried out the rack yet. Can you just remember that I do the jokes, not the victim otherwise you could be a contender.

How many books have you written now and have you got a WIP at the moment? 

To date there have been nine novels, and three novellas. I do have a WIP, but its very early days, and a lot of plotting needs to be thought out. OK, I’ll be honest, I’m having great problems coming up with a plot. I’m also busy getting translations done on Babelcube, and audiobooks on ACX. Which prompts me to say that if anyone is interested in audiobooks, I have a number of free promo codes for my books. Just let me know.

Do you find promotion hard and if so how do you get round it?

As I said previously, marketing is getting harder and harder, and I’m running out of ideas, so any thoughts would be welcomed.

Tee: I’m just the keeper of the blog and victim cave, but maybe someone has some ideas. Contact me at the cave if you have. Just follow the screams.

Which outlet do you favour for your book sales. Are there drawbacks and if so what are they?

At the present time my books are available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, iTunes, Kobo, and several other outlets throughout the world. I have books available through Lulu and Createspace. I have books available in several languages including Spanish, Portuguese, French, German, Italian, Greek. Of all the outlets despite its drawbacks, Amazon is by far the best outlet.

Well, I have to say thank you for bringing me here, but I want it known that you didn’t need to drag me here, screaming and kicking, being chained up was sufficient. Anyway, it’s been a pain. I mean that, a real pain, my arms will never be the same again. How I’ll be able to explain why one arm is so much longer than the other, I don’t know. In conclusion you should be aware that I have been tortured before, but this place does have a bit of style, a bit of class. There’s that wretched noise again …

Tee: I go to all this effort to get a decent interview from someone. Put them in the spotlight and I just get pure abuse. Life sucks sometimes, it really does.

Laters potaters




9 Jun 2018

Comings and Goings and stuff with Eva

Hello my little chickadees

I'm back again. How are you? No really I mean it. How are you? Ok that's enough; I can only take so much especially with all that screaming from the cave. Scheesh!!

Up this week is Eva Bielby. Here she is so take it away Eva.

So then Eva, tell us about Eva Bielby. Who is she and what makes her tick. Is that your real name by the way

Eva Bielby? Where to start… I think I would have to say that I’m a bit of an oddball. Unique…a few people rolled into one. On one side I’m full of fun (at a very juvenile level), I can be quite serious on another side but only if I REALLY have to be.  Then there’s the side where I’m totally weird (I guess that makes me three-dimensional? Or a triangle…I’m a sexy but strange triangle!)

I do have a real name but I try and keep them separate as that adds to the mystery and a lady has to have some secrets doesn’t she?

As for ticking…I do tick a little but seldom explode, but if I do you’d better run. My life involves numerous things…reading, writing (which includes poetry), watching films with my bezzie mate, alcohol, the paranormal (I am a psychic medium, so that is where that comes from! As I enjoy it, does that make me a happy medium?), sex (with or without alcohol), music, good food (with alcohol), playing chess and badminton (but not at the same time you understand?)

Tee: Don’t try to be funnier than me young lady  

I didn’t try to be funnier than you Tee. Honest! It just sorta comes natural! But whips? Now you’re talking.  I have already seen the chains so can we take it in turns?

Tee: Filth utter filth… J

Are you a lady of leisure or do you have a day job? 

Leisure? I’m not familiar with that one. What does it mean? I had to look it up and apparently it means free time, meaning ‘not working for a living’. Sadly, I do have a day job, whilst I wait to make my millions, but I am optimistic. I’m a qualified accountant and worked as a company accountant for many years. Just after I started writing my first book I took a step back from responsibility (I was never good at being responsible!). I couldn’t really cope very well with trying to write alongside bringing work home each night. (Oh…the headaches!) But I still have a job to allow me to do the things that make me tick and allow me to enjoy all the things I like, with or without alcohol.

Favourite time of year and what you do for entertainment

If I didn’t need to drive anywhere in the snow and ice, my favourite season would be winter (my car is rear-wheel drive)! But as I always need to drive in the winter, I would say the summer is my favourite season. I love the long, light and hot nights, the sun, thunder and lightning storms….shit, I forgot about all the flying insects!! Okay, I’ll settle for spring…the trees in bud, everywhere looking lush and green, getting home from work in daylight, mating season, April showers…damn rain! So…it’s autumn definitely!!  
Maybe I should have added to Q1 that I think I am indecisive, but I’m not totally sure... 

For entertainment I occasionally like seeing live gigs and going to karaoke evenings on girlie nights out with my friends. I adore singing a wide range of songs which for some reason other people just never attempt. Some say that I have a fairly good voice and on occasions, my versions are better than the originals. Maybe I should take up singing as well. Erotic songs could become a thing of the future, maybe? Hmmm…I may make an attempt at writing some erotic lyrics!!

The acoustics in your cave are wonderful Tee, so do you fancy a duet?

Tee: Go on then I’ll start…. Screeches random words out of tune, at top of voice

You still sound better than Justin Beiber, Tee! (Joins in with Tee, belting out lyrics that sound like ‘Bat out of Hell’.)

Tell us about your books. How many have you written/WIP/ genre. Are you self published/published by mainstream

At the moment I have written and published the first two books in my erotic trilogy, The “Goings On” series, and I’m currently working on the final part. I self-published them originally, but then I was offered the publishing contract by LDB Press. The first book was republished by them on 8thMay and the second part on 5thJune 2018. Other works in progress include my life story, “Trying to Understand” (which will stay on the back burner for now) and a suspense thriller called “For My Wife”. Another future project will be about my journey since discovering that I am a psychic medium and my ongoing development in that field.

What drew you to writing erotica

Well, as a child my mum used to tell me to get as much experience as I possibly could. She said it would stand me in good stead later in life. I’m now questioning if the experience I gained was what she truly meant. Up to now it’s come in pretty useful for my books though! 

Favourite food/drinks

Food? Oh my God, do I love food! If eating out, I would say that Chinese comes out on top and if it is a take-away I can recommend the 69, with fried rice. Then Italian and French come close behind that. When it comes down to eating at home I prefer good, plain English cooking, roast dinners, cottage pie, sausage casserole and not forgetting good old egg and chips. Favorite food items: mushrooms, tomatoes, onions, cheese, potatoes (cooked in any form), cakes, biscuits and desserts…yummy desserts, with whipped cream!!

And now drinks! Oh yes, addicted to coffee! Whereas with alcohol, I’m a gin and tonic girl! Cocktails too! I love a long hard screw against the wall and nothing beats sex on the beach. I like wine but oh hell no. I leave it alone, it doesn’t like me!! I could tell you tales about bad experiences with the stuff.

Tee: Cocktails indeed… Pure filth. Turns thumb screws to last notch; yanks head back and washes mouth out with soap. 

Soap? Darling please, gin is more hygienic – and fun.

Tee: This is a torture chamber not a cocktail bar. Open wider!

 A place in the world you would love to visit again and why

I don’t usually visit any country twice. That’s not the way to see the world! But since you need me to answer the question...IF I wanted to visit anywhere again, I would have to say Singapore. Nothing specific but I just loved everything about it! Oh, yes! A Singapore sling at Raffles Hotel! Costs an arm and a leg but I just had to do it! 

But I do have a long bucket list of places that I’d like to visit. I was fascinated by Bangkok until I found out it was actually a place not a game. Phuket! Yes, I think that is a place and not an exclamation so I’d like to go there too!

Your favourite animal to keep as a pet and why

I’ve always had cats since being a young girl. Sometimes I’ve had two but since my little lady had to be put to sleep two years ago I only have one at this time. He’s an adorable black and white chap called Harry. I love dogs too but the reason I’ve never owned a dog is because I would only be a fair weather doggie walker. One hint of rain, snow, ice, fog or wind and I’d not turn out!


When and where do you do your writing

I usually write in the evenings and at weekends too. When the words have been flowing I’ve been known to write all the way through the night, then shower at 7am and off to the day job! Before I parted company with my ex we had a four-bedroomed home and I had one of the bedrooms as my office. These days I have a larger living room so that is where my desk is situated. 

Where do you live in the world 

I live in North Yorkshire, United Kingdom in a fourth floor apartment. It’s a converted water mill and the views from the balcony are terrific. 

Who designed your book covers and how much input did you have

My publisher, LDB Press, came back to me with the book covers and I just loved the pictures so was more than happy to stick with them. Where the titles, and all the text were concerned, I didn’t care much for the original fonts which the publisher had chosen so I had to have some changes there. I’m more than happy with the finished results.

Who are your favourite characters from your book/books and why. Did you fall in love with any of them

My favourite characters from my books have got to be David, James (Jim) and Harry. (Yes, all guys!) Oh yes I fell in love with David. Who wouldn’t? He’s handsome, fit, hot, and such a lovely guy too. (He’s also a multi-millionaire, so lots of ticks in the right boxes). I haven’t fallen in love with Jim, but I’m certainly attracted to him. He’s a very bad boy and every girl likes a bad boy at times. I love Harry (not romantically) but as a person. He’s a typical rough diamond. (And we like diamonds, don’t we ladies?)

How do you like the d├ęcor of my interview cave. Does the dried blood bother you at all J

I am stunned with the natural fluorescence of the walls Tee. It really is beautiful! I can’t say that I’m keen on seeing all the….the contraptions though. But the chains and whips could be fun. But that…that thing over there in the corner, isn’t it used for…urggh, I dread to think??  The dried blood I can just about cope with…but, this bit here (a patch less than a metre away)…that doesn’t look as if it’s fully dried up. I hope it’s not from Chuck Lovatt! He was here recently, wasn’t he? Tell me it isn’t his blood! What the HELL did you DO to him?? I…I wanna go home now, pleeeeaase???

Tee: Oh for gods sake. Stop being so squeamish; of course it’s Chuck’s blood and yours will be joining it later. Oh no she’s fainted on me. Throws water and brings her round. 

First soap and now water! What are you trying to do? Stop me from being a dirty girl?

Tee: Yep indeede J

You have two minutes to promote your book. Why should we buy it. Go for it!

You should all buy my books because, they have more sex than all the Harry Potter novels put together (although I have heard that JK is planning to write a stand-alone book called “Hermione, Ginny and their Magical Wands”!), more positions than Donald Trump’s cabinet and is hotter than a Hawaiian volcano.
 If you want an erotic story to immerse yourself into then this has all that but it isn’t all squelchy sex it has plenty of intense emotions, sadness, heartache, love, bitterness, suspense and even the gentle caressing touch of humour in the right places.


See the cave wasn’t so bad was it? Of course that could all change if I run out of food or victims! LOL

No. It wasn’t too bad, Tee. I just hope that I’m not going to suffer any delayed reaction or long-term mental trauma as a result!! But thank you for little holiday!!

Oh hush now, I was in a fairly good mood today. Right off you go then. I have my next victim to prepare for.

Laters Potaters


30 May 2018

Chuck Lovatt enjoying his medieval torture (all in a good cause)

Hello my little chickadees

Well there has been several requests for me to resurrect my infamous 'Victim Cave' Blog, so I've caved in (see what I did there) Ok I won't give up the day job.

Originally I worked on the promotion of authors (myself included) struggling to get noticed. This time I decided to mix it up a bit 'cos I'm a mucky pup allegedly. There will still be author interviews both new and established but interspersed with other professions. For instance I have a psychic medium lined up along with a gardener who hopefully will share a few gardening tips with us. Personally I would like some produce from her allotment but that's another story. I also have a guy that is obsessed with producing photos of his beloved dogs but also does endless community work. Maybe he will share some of that with us and no the community work wasn't enforced by the judiciary system for misdemeanors, he does it voluntarily.

So then first up in my victim cave is Chuck Lovatt.

Chuck has been here for just over a week. He would have been let out sooner but he constantly complained about the inhumane living standards and blatantly refused to answer my questions fully. He agreed eventually when I gave him some sips of water proving that I must be going soft I reckon.

Introduce yourself please Chuck. Prods his belly with stick to bring him round

Chuck Lovatt with adoring feline fan
The sun! Will I ever see the sun again – feel its warmth on my face? 
Oh, hello! My name is Chuck Lovatt (aka Charlie, aka C.W. aka Charles [if you must]) but really, I’ll answer to anything. JUST GET ME OUTTA HERE!!

Q. I know you live in Canada but can you tell us where and what it's like to live there

Well there’s no slime on the walls, if that’s what you mean, not like a certain place I could mention! Oh, all right. I live in the province of Manitoba, out on the prairies, where it’s so flat you can spend a week watching your dog run away from home. Actually I’ve never known a dog to run away from home, but if one ever did, and you had a week with nothing especially pressing on your agenda, you’ve got it covered.
Also, I had better deal with this question as I get asked it quite a lot: Yes, it can get quite cold here in the winter – some days it’s colder here than at the North Pole, seriously. We Manitobans are of the opinion that anyone choosing to live at the North Pole is a pussy.
Distances here are probably not what you’re used to, Tee. The closest town (what you would call a village) is fifteen miles away, and that’s considered close. The nearest town that actually aspires to being called a city (which you would also call a village) is half an hour in the other direction. Also, public transportation is non-existent out here in the boonies, so you had better know how to drive.
However, this is Big Sky country, with something really impressive to look at every day – be it gigantic cloud formations, clear blue skies, or a sunset so crimson it will hurt your eyes. Also, with very little light pollution, the stars at night will knock your socks off (not to be taken literally.)
Big sky of Manitoba


Q. I’m just wondering if you like doing housework living in the back of beyond in isolation? Do you wear a pinafore and mobcap? Use a feather duster? Fluffy slippers? Drink in hand?

Oh sure, taunt me when I’m trussed up and helpless! Noooo don’t hit me, I’ll be good! Okay then, I loathe housework, and avoid it like the plague. I found it far easier to accept that dust is a fact of life, and that dealing with it is a lost cause. As to the latter part of your question: only on special occasions, no, don’t think so, and pretty much always.

Q. Favourite time of year and what do you do for entertainment

Autumn, best weekend of the year! For entertainment, I like to take long walks on the beach…ha ha, sorry, no, that’s for another site. I like to read something – anything - with or without a centrefold.

"Wrong answer smart arse." Cracks whips and turns thumb screws tighter

Q. Favourite food/drink, preferences for hot/cold

OUCHIE!! Well now, let’s see: um, a good steak, passed quickly over the barbecue, with a nice merlot to wash it down. Say Tee, d’you think you could loosen the thumbscrews a smidgeon? It’s giving me a hangnail.

"Nope! In fact I might tighten them a smidgeon and do stop that screaming for god’s sake. Anyone would think I was hurting you."

Q. The books you most enjoy reading

Tee sucks on some dried brains found on the floor of cave whilst awaiting answer. Chuck notices that Tee’s head is spinning round with smoke coming out of ears and mouth.

Um…what? Oh anything, as long as it’s well written. Doesn’t all the head spinning hurt your neck?

 Tee is now sitting quietly on the floor looking into the small pools of blood surrounding her. Nope it stretches my neck.

Q. I know you’re a renowned author of several books including fiction/children’s. Tell us about them all please and when you first started writing.

Gosh, is that all my blood? Oh well, never mind. Feeling weak, so I’d best push on. Okay now, this is where I tend to get a bit longwinded, so don’t poke me with anything pointy or hot if you get bored, okay Tee? Tee? Oh for gosh sake, stop licking the blood off the floor and pay attention! Um…let’s see, where was I? I began writing back in the early eighties, just for fun, but started to take it more seriously about ten or twelve years ago. My early career was in short stories, and I didn’t do too bad, picking up the odd award, here and there, before moving on to novels. 

In 2009 I wrote The Adventures of Charlie Smithers – a story heavily laced with romance and humour, about a gentleman’s gentleman who, through the offices of an angry rhinoceros, and his master’s deplorable aim, is launched on an adventure into deepest darkest Africa. It took me four years to find someone to publish it. That’s when I was introduced to Wild Wolf Publishing, and I’ve never looked back. 

(Oh lord, so much blood, and she’s getting it all over her face! Ewwwww!!) Um…(gasp) I should mention that the book went on to be a number one best seller in its category. Since then, Tee, I’ve written two more Charlie Smithers books – “Adventures in India,” and “Adventures Downunder.” 

Then there are the “Josiah Stubb” books, too – “The Siege of Louisbourg,” and “Interim” - which are more serious works of historical fiction, taking place in Canada during The Seven Years War. With any luck, the third book of the trilogy, “The Plains of Abraham,” should be ready by…(Oh god, are those brains she’s chewing? It looks like an old shoe!)…by Christmas. 

Added to that is “And Then It Rained,” an eclectic mix of novellas and short stories, many of them award-winning; and finally, as you so graciously pointed out, Tee, a children’s story, entitled “The Little Mouse,” was just released. This is a tale for children of all ages, and has already made it to #1 in Britain and Canada. *attempts a nonchalant pose…fails miserably, and collapses in his chains*

Prods him with a hot poker. Ah you’re back with me Chuck. About time. Next question…

Q. How hard do you find book promotion? Any tips or hints you’ve found that were successful for you in promotion?

Not as hard as this interview! I need a doctor!

 Oh lord, book promotion. I mean you have to love writing to put yourself through that. All I know is to keep doing what I’m doing – interviews…like this one (only not quite like this one - it’ll be a miracle if I ever walk again!) podcasts, and advertising on social media, and hope for the best.
In the meantime, keep writing. Perseverance is your best friend. Sooner or later someone is bound to notice.

Hm! Well that never happened for me. Clamps pliers around his little finger in a hissy fit and snaps it off.

Q. What’s your favourite genres to read and write?

Geeeeeeeeezuz that hurts! Fiction, both historical and contemporary.

Q. You’ve set up your own publishing house using FB writer friends to help run it. What would you name it? Who would you choose to run the different departments? As the owner, how would you ensure the FB staff achieved success for you?

I don’t know, I think I’d call it something avante guard – something that no one has ever thought of before – like Random House, or Penguin, or maybe even Wild Wolf. Anyway, our pal, C Reg Jones, would share Humour with Alec Hawkes, along with History and Travel. Poppet would be a slam-dunk in Religion (wouldn’t you love to see her get her hands on the pope’s memoirs?) ably assisted by Monique Lomino, whose gentle nature can soothe even the most bruised ego. Erotica would go to Eva Bielby (I’d give her an office with Netflix and heavy drapes over the windows.) Home and Garden would go to Diana Milne (who, being Diana, would also get Netflix, and heavy drapes over her office windows…now that I think on it, all the offices will have to be so equipped) Mystery will be left a question mark (question mark, get it?) and Helen Patricia would be my personal assistant (ahem) with her office adjoining mine (knock before you enter.) As owner I would be in charge of entertaining clients – Booze and Party Division – and I’d like to arrange a deal with Rod Glenn to make a cameo appearance at some posh restaurant while I’m wining and dining the next Zadie Smith. We’ll exchange a casual greeting, and they would be like all agog, demanding, “Wow, you know Rod Glenn?!” And I would be like, “Oh sure. We go way back, before he hit the big time.”
Obviously, I would ensure that they all worked like slaves by hiring you, dear Tee, as my Editor in Chief. Putting their noses to the grindstone will take on a whole new meaning!

Q. You can pick any animal from time immemorial for a permanent companion. What would you choose and why

A cat. We could have hours of fun exchanging supercilious stares, before pretending to ignore one another for the rest of the day.

Hm! I’ve got the remains of a cat somewhere in the back of the cave. Maybe I could offload that on him.

Q. You’re given the opportunity to take a holiday anywhere in the world with someone else picking up the tab. Where would you choose and why.

Out of this dungeon! I don’t mean to complain, Tee, honestly, but the smell is overwhelming, and these maggots are really starting to itch! HEEEEEEELP!!

"Oh do stop complaining"…. Loosens manacles and leg irons and boots him out, "And don't expect me to pay for your therapy this time"… well what a pain in the butt he was. I’m glad to be rid of him. Now then who’s next in line? …. Ah yes…

Laters Potaters


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