18 Jan 2016

Two crazy women and an alcoholic croc called Cyril equals instant mayhem

Hello my chickadees

It's a given that I'm totally bananas. What if you put me in a room with another crazy woman from OZ and an alcoholic crocodile called Cyril who wears Armani suits occasionally ?  Um...this actually...

Tee ... Soooz, welcome! and Cyril of course. It's lovely to have you both here.

Soooz ...Thanks, Tee. It's been a while. I'm delighted to be here.

Cyril ... I'm wearing Armani. Will there be Pictures?

Tee ... Well, no, Cyril. However, there will be many interesting questions.

Cyril ... I could have just worn jeans. I thought we would at least have one picture of me.

Soooz ... Cyril! ... You promised me that you would behave.

Tee ... You do look very fetching, Cyril and I’m sure we’ll be able to include a picture of you somewhere.

Cyril ... Of course I do, but I don't fetch. I'm not a canine, unless it's food of course or ... alcohol.

Tee ... Let's get down to the questions, shall we?

Soooz ... Ask away Tee.

Cyril ... Sigh. If we must.

Tee ... So, Soooz, what have you been writing recently?

Soooz ... I've had a marvelous time, writing Mystery/Suspense Thrillers...all with heavy psychological overtones.

Cyril ... Not one of them includes me. I'm mysterious and thrilling, and heavy on the Psycho.

Tee ... Um ... yes. Cyril perhaps you would like to recline on that sofa over there while you digest your lunch. So, Soooz, tell us a little more about your latest book.

Soooz ... It revolves around serial murders.

Cyril ... I need a drink. Make it beer.

Tee ... I have Merlot. Will that suffice?

Cyril ... Is that booze?

Tee ... Booze? Well, yes, yes it is.

Cyril ... So, are you going to join me, you little English person?

Tee ... I'd be delighted.

Cyril ... Great! Make mine a pint.

Soooz ... I don't think that's such a great idea, Cyril. I need you to behave.

Tee ... Oh I'm sure he'll be fine.

Cyril ... I'm beginning to warm to this woman.

Tee ...  Thank you, Cyril. You’re pretty cute yourself.

Cyril ... Yes, I am. Hey, this stuffs not bad. Merlin huh?

Tee ... It's, Merlot, actually.

Cyril ... Seriously? ... So what was Arthur's real name?

Tee ... Arthur?

Cyril ... Okay, so that stays the same. Why did they change the name of the Wizard?

Tee ... The Wizard?

Cyril ... Hello! I thought you were from England?"

Tee ... I am indeed.

Cyril ... Aren't you lot the people that started that entire 'Sword in the Stone' thingy?

Tee ... "Camelot?"

Cyril ... I thought you said it was Merlot Merlin. Anyways we spell it differently. It's Come not Came.

Soooz ... Cyril! Enough already!

Tee ... Oh, my. You are wicked, Cyril.

Cyril ... Let's raise a Merlin to wickedness!

Tee ... I, well ... it is early, however, you are my guest, so one more won't hurt.

Cyril ... I'll drink to that! Hell, I'll drink to anything, just name it!

Soooz ... You'll always drink to any damned thing, Cyril.

Cyril ... That’s what I just said. And who forgot to take her Xanax this morning?

Soooz ... And just who got me started on needing Xanax?

Cyril ... See, you take so much of the stuff you can't remember!

Tee ... Oh, my word!

Cyril ... Your words good enough for me, precious. Another drinky?

Tee Thank you Cyril I don’t mind if I do. Cheers! How did you get through customs by the way?

Cyril … I disguised myself as a shoulder bag and Soooz carried me through.

Soooz ... Shoulder bags are not meant to talk back, Cyril! That customs officer was very suspicious. I thought I was going to get stopped.

Cyril She was quite cute. I wouldn’t have pushed her off my dinner plate.

Soooz Cyril!! I thought I had cured you of that.

Cyril Old habits die hard. I often fancy the odd human leg or arm at times. In fact Tee looks quite tasty if I’m honest.


Soooz Cyril do I have to remind you that we’re guests here? Now lay there quietly while I talk to Tee.


Tee  Now Soooz where were we? Oh yes psychological thrillers, mystery and suspense. Tell me more about it while Cyril’s asleep.

Soooz … Well, they appear to be about the FBI chasing down a serial killer, who…

Cyril ... A cereal, killer. Grunt...what did they use? A spoon.

Tee ... Oh you are a caution, Cyril.

Soooz ... Now there's an apt description.

Cyril ...Yes, I am descriptive. Um...what's descriptive?

Tee ... The ability to describe.

Cyril ... Oh, yeah... they took away my license to do that. Now I have to go to a real Doctor.

Soooz ... Cyril! You know damned well what the difference is between described and prescribed.

Cyril ... Two letters of the alphabet?

Tee ... I don't quite, follow.

Cyril ... Yes, I've always been more of a leader myself.

Tee ... Yes, well...moving right along, Soooz you were saying?

Soooz ... I was endeavoring to say...

Cyril ... I know that one! It was the ship that Captain Crook used to discover Australia!

Tee ... That would be Cook, Cyril dear.

Cyril ... I don't care what it would be. It just is.

Tee ... I think I may need another glass of Merlin...er ... Merlot!
Cyril ... Bottoms up, precious. Or any other part of your cute British anatomy.

Soooz ... Cyril, you are going to drive me to drink...again.

Cyril ... Shortest trip ever!

Tee ... I see, um, let's try to get back on track, shall we?

Cyril ... I'm so good at tracking. Even though I'm not a dog.

Soooz ... My apologies, Tee.

Cyril ... And so you should.

Soooz ... I swear, I'm going to have you made into a shoulder bag!

Cyril ... Oh! That wasn't a nice thing to say to, the-oh-so- cute British Person! I may just need another pint or so of Merlin to recover!

Soooz ... Oh, crap! I give in.

Cyril ... Apparently very easily. But of course, that may be just a nasty rumour.

Tee ... Oh, dear.

Cyril ... Yes your right Tee. She charges quite a bit, so I'm told.

Tee ... Perhaps I should wrap this up?

Cyril ... Oh, gift wrapping! A present for, moi? You really should have. I like the Merlin. A dozen or so bottles may see me through till breakfast.

Soooz ... Tee, my dear, I'll just send you the links shall I? I think I had better leave, now. Before I do something, I'll regret. I would love it, if you could do the same. I think I will need something on the plane to take my mind off committing Homicide.

Cyril ... <Singing off key>...'Regrets I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention.

Tee ... Oh, really? Well dear, if you really, really, must. I'm going to have another, Merlin, or six.

Cyril ... Still singing...'Yes there were times, I'm sure you knew, when I bit off more than I could chew. But through it all when there were doubts, I'd eat it up and spit it out." Oh ... I'd never spit! It's just so uncouth.

 Tee Quite right too Cyril. It’s illegal to spit in the street in England.

Cyril … I love the English Tee. I think you should come back with us.

Tee … Oh Cyril you’re so cute when you’re being nice.

Soooz … That’s a first for Cyril. Maybe I’ll leave him here and save myself the hassle of traveling back with him.

Cyril … You don’t love me any more! I’m crushed you know I love you more than I love myself. Besides you taste better.

Tee … More Cyril Merlot? … Er… I mean more Merlot Cyril?

Cyril Lovely Tee and make it a bottle this time will ya. It saves keep stopping for refills.

Soooz … Well I think that just about wraps it up Tee.
Cyril hits the floor wasted.

Tee … Is he ok Soooz?

Soooz … He’ll be fine. Now how about your links?

Tee … Here they are.

Cyril …. It's a beautiful night,
we're looking for something dumb to do. Hey Tee, I think I wanna marry you. Is it the look in your eyes, Or is it this dancing juice? Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you….

Soooz … It’s ok Tee he’s drunk. He won’t remember.

Tee Oh great! The only marriage proposal I get in years and it’s from a drunken croc.

Soooz … Don’t take it personally Tee. He proposes to the postie back home on a regular basis.

Tee  … What’s she like?

Soooz … He’s got a beard and his name is Johno! Well we’d better make our way to that plane. I’ll hoist him back on my shoulder and hope to god he doesn’t wake up. I’ll feed him some of my Xanax. That should keep him out of it especially with all the Merlot he’s consumed.

As I waved them goodbye I did wonder if I would ever see that cute little reptile in the Armani suit again. I suppose there’s always Skype to fall back on.


Suzannah Burke is a self published author from Australia.

Links to books and blog

Soooz's Blog

Laters potaters

The Russian Gift of Love on Amazon

Soulfate on Amazon: 


Amazon Author page




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Suzannah Burke said...

Attempting to type this whilst that monster is sleeping off the crate of Merlot you sent him. We were delayed at customs, sigh! Cyril tried to give snout to mouth to some poor woman who fainted at the sight of him chasing a very attractive piece of luggage around the terminal.

Try explaining THAT to border security.

Please send bail.

tgeering said...

Soooz you are suited to comedy :-)

Bail should arrive by nightfall xx

Gerry McCullough said...

Sooze, Raymond keeps saying,'When are you going to write a sequel to +Dudes Down Under?' I'd like to read it too! Please do it to keep him quiet!
(Don't know how I managed to miss this post at the right time!)

Suzannah Burke said...

A sequel to Dudes? Omg...I can't let Cyril see this. He's been at me for sooo long to write him a sequel. Hmm ... maybe I can fit it in between the other three books I'm currently writing.......eeek! What If I get them confused. Cyril could end up in the WhiteHouse...still, that may be a better option to that 'Trump' person. Sigh.

HoneyBee Novak said...

Love the humor! I really enjoyed this!

Suzannah Burke said...

Thanks so much, HoneyBee. Some folks just don't understand my Cyril. I mean, seriously, what's not to understand about an alcoholic cross-dressing big mouthed Crocodile...on xanax. Sigh!