26 Oct 2010
From one of my colleagues - VERY nickable :-)
> BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
> Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
> bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather
> high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
> for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
> (The Daily Telegraph)
> Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
> salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she
> was missing her Italian boyfriend.
> (The Manchester Evening News)
> Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
> because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
> and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
> (The Guardian)
> A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
> was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard
> spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
> (The Times)
> At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard
> and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,
> but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had
> just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
> ( Aberdeen Evening Express)
> Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience
> with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
> week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she
> recalled -
> 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came
> up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil
> ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
> HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND (TUBE)
> A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
> made to their passengers...
> 1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
> service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you
> happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross
> over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'
> 2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
> suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his
> backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm
> given any.'
> 3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
> that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
> time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
> between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach
> our destination.'
> 4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
> security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
> for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass
> some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging
> on a wall.....'.'
> 5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see,
> Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
> told me,
> so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things
> like that'.
> 6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
> these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give
> it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'
> 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
> announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna,
> ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'
> 8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then,
> stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'
> 9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
> 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
> 10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
> that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
> your bags into the doors.'
> 11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
> 12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
> second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
> 13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please
> move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a
> personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
> rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody
> golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them
> up your arse sideways!'
> 14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
> allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
> joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the