From one of my colleagues - VERY nickable :-)

>

> BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

>

> Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas

> bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather

> high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged

> for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'

> (The Daily Telegraph)

>

> Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole

> salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she

> was missing her Italian boyfriend.

> (The Manchester Evening News)

>

> Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

> because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle

> and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

> (The Guardian)

>

> A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth

> was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard

> spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.

> (The Times)

>

> At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard

> and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,

> but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had

> just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

> ( Aberdeen Evening Express)

>

> Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience

> with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each

> week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she

> recalled -

> 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came

> up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil

> Hitler.''

> ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

>

> HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND (TUBE)

> A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have

> made to their passengers...

>

> 1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your

> service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you

> happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross

> over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

>

> 2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller

> suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his

> backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm

> given any.'

>

> 3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is

> that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great

> time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere

> between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach

> our destination.'

>

> 4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a

> security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here

> for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass

> some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging

> on a wall.....'.'

>

> 5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see,

> Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually

> told me,

> so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things

> like that'.

>

> 6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage

> these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give

> it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

>

> 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

> announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna,

> ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

>

> 8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then,

> stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

>

> 9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with

> 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate

> instructions.'

>

> 10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means

> that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or

> your bags into the doors.'

>

> 11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the

> door.'

>

> 12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the

> second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you

> understand?'

>

> 13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please

> move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a

> personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the

> rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody

> golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them

> up your arse sideways!'

>

> 14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking

> allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a

> joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the

> carriage.'