Well this weekend is set to be momentous.
First
Tomorrow (Sunday 12th June) I'm going to be 'Mother of the groom'. After 10 years together, my son and his fiancee are finally going to jump the broomstick. Woohoo sooo pleased. AND i've got the 'Cilla hat.'
Second
FINALLY after endless bribes of unmentionable things, I got Mike Church to succumb to an interview. He put up a fight but I got him. Oh yeah baby I got him. (No confusion please with one of the Royal Canadian Mounties)
So then, my understated, funny man, take it away.....
Q. Tell me about your
family
A. I have three
beautiful sisters and a fantastic brother. I also have “one wife”, as my
students would say, a daughter and a son. As you can imagine, I love them all
very much, and they keep me insane.
Q. Have you any pets?
A. No, but my
sister-in-law has got through quite a few over the years: Graeme the Goldfish
(drowned in suspicious circumstances), Henrietta the Hamster (heart attack
after heavy wheeling), Terence the Terrapin (jumped off balcony to see what
would happen), Brenda the Budgerigar (hanged herself on string attached to
perch)
Tee: I'm rolling on the floor laughing.
Q. Your day job
A. I’m an English
teacher. I teach English to Basque and Spanish students of all ages and
backgrounds, though mainly to adults who need English for their work.
Q. Although you’re
English Mike, your family life is in Spain. Is there ANY comparison you want to
make?
A. How much space have
you got, Tee? Let’s just say that, for better or for worse, when you enter the
Basque family, you sign a contract for life (and beyond). None of this British
leave-home-at-18-but-do-feel-free-to-drop-in-for-Christmas nonsense. Apart from
‘adult’ kids not being allowed to leave home for more than a week, the main
difference I’ve noticed between British and Basque/Spanish life is the sheer
volume: everybody and everything is noisier here. You won’t be surprised to
learn that one of the things I miss most is “a quiet pint” down the pub.
Q. What do you do for
entertainment?
A. Well, for starters,
my students keep me entertained all day long; they often tell me that I should
be paying them, not the other way round. They’re probably right. Back home, as
I stumble through the door, armed with the day’s shopping, the entertainment
continues as I am greeted with,
“What time do you call this?” (wife),
“What’s
for dinner?” (daughter)
“Can you give me fifty euros to make some
photocopies?” (son).
Q. Tell me about the
books you have written
A. They’re rather
silly, to be honest. Let’s see, this shouldn’t take long, as I’m not exactly a
prolific writer... OK, let’s start with my only novel, dayrealing – the trials and tribulations of a stressed-out teacher in a
spaced-out world. That was basically the story of my life up until that
point and, eight years later, it still is; albeit with a generous dose of
fantasy to disguise yours truly among the carnage. Unsurprisingly, dayrealing was a massive flop despite
some very kind reviews from people like you, Tee. I followed this up with a
collection of short stories, fifty shades
of Spain – a teacher’s torrid tale in fifty simple lessons. This was even
less successful than my debut novel, but I had fun writing them, and it’s
important to have fun occasionally, don’t you think, Tee? Finally, I have
written a series of tongue-in-cheek phrasebooks, the most successful of which
has always been, Spanglish for Impatient
People. I even made a few royalties on that one, though the sales have
since dried up. The follow-up, Spanglish
for Impatient People 2, hasn’t sold nearly as well, so I’m thinking I’ll
call my next books, Spanglish for
Impatient People 0, Spanglish for
Impatient People -1, and so on, and see if we can revert the trend. The
last book I wrote, English for
Monosyllabic People, was aimed at the potentially enormous Spanish-speaking
readership. To date, it has sold a grand total of, wait for it, one. Yes,
that’s right, it’s the copy I bought for myself to check the format on my
Kindle. Fortunately, I later received 36 of my 99 cents’ outlay back in
royalties at the end of the month.
Tee: You're selling yourself very short Mike. Dayrealing was probably the funniest book I have ever read.
Q. Do your family
actually allow you to use ‘their computer’?
A. Ha ha! You’ve been
reading my blog, haven’t you? I had to get up at four on two consecutive
mornings to write these lines before shooting off for work.
Q. Tell my blog fans
who is the ‘other Mike Church’
A. According to
Wikipedia, he is a “shock jock” who has often been called, “the most radical
man on the radio”. I’d give him a wide berth if I were you.
Tee: I just checked this Mike Church out... Crikey! I think I'll stick with the one I know.
Q. Hobbies
A. I enjoy shopping,
cooking and cleaning the kitchen in my spare time. As you can see, Tee, I lead
an incredibly exciting life, but I’m hoping things will change after this
interview. I used to enjoy swimming, but gave it up after losing my left leg in
a shark attack three years ago. I made that last part up, Tee; it was a hippo.
Tee: With those credentials Mike, I know many ladies that would get in line to marry you. I wondered why my victim cave was so clean. You even managed to get the blood and brains off of the back wall. Hippo attack? Really? Wow! :-)
Q. What kicked off
your writing career?
A. “Career”?! I think
“stuff” would be a more accurate word. Pure desperation with my day-to-day life
is the honest answer. More specifically, the actual catalyst was a Guardian supplement entitled “How to
Write Fiction” by Robert Harris, Kate Pullinger and Peter Strauss, which I read
on the plane back from England on September 9th 2008. I’ve kept a
record of everything I’ve read, written, bought or eaten since that day, Tee. The
document is called “Mike’s Milestones”, which, as you might expect, is a fascinating
read.
A. Yes - this
interview! If only I had a project in the pipeline but, to be honest, Tee, I’ve
given up. If I make it to retirement and am still alive, or even if I’m not, I’ll
probably have another bash. Until then, the only work in progress is preparing
tomorrow’s classes while, in my spare moments, scribbling a few lines for my
monthly blog entry on The Other Mike
Church (“readable rubbish at a reasonable price”).
That said, I do have a
“work in progress” of sorts, namely the audiobook for fifty shades of Spain, though I’m in no hurry to finish it. I
recently finished recording the audiobook for dayrealing – the trials and tribulations of a stressed-out teacher in a
spaced-out world... in ten, tortuous, torturous hours (and five minutes),
which was a massive job, but immensely challenging and satisfying at the same
time. You have no idea how good it felt when I received that automated message
from ACX, “Your audiobook has been approved”.
Q. Favourite place to
holiday J
A. Until recently it
was anywhere in Britain for obvious reasons. I used to dream about buying a holiday
apartment in Devon; now I just dream about Devon. Last summer, however, my wife
and I started exploring Brittany and Normandy, and we were bowled over by their
beautiful beaches, landscapes, and excellent grub to boot. Will definitely be
going back there again soon. For a quick suntan while stuffing yourself silly
at a reasonable price, any half-board stay at a three- or four-star hotel on
the east coast of Spain is nearly always a good bet. Oh dear, Tee, I’ve just
realised I gave you a straight answer. I’m supposed to be funny, aren’t I?
Let’s see, here’s a funny pic of me trying to look serious in Brittany:
“Serious Mike”
Q. You are given the
opportunity to travel to any country world wide, with all expenses paid. Where
would you go and what’s the attraction?
A. I ought to say New
Zealand, the Maldives or Canada, didn’t I? So, I think I’ll plump for a tour of
Scandinavia, just to be different. If possible, I’d like to follow Michael
Booth’s route – Denmark-Iceland-Norway-Finland-Sweden – as described in his
wonderful The Almost Nearly Perfect People: Behind the Myth of the
Scandinavian Utopia, which I downloaded from Amazon Spain’s Kindle
Store on Tuesday August 25th 2015 for €8,49. I finished it fifty
days later, on Wednesday October 14th, and awarded it four and a
half stars out of five. Did I tell you I keep a record of everything, Tee?
Tee: Er no I don't think you did Mike. Oh wait...!
A. The things my
students say, the questions they ask, the mistakes they make, the sentences
they write, the confused looks they give... Plus, just about any Mr. Bean or
Monty Python sketch; not that I’ve watched any comedy seriously for years. It’s
very rare for a writer, or anybody, to make me laugh out loud – I’m a cool
unemotional Brit, remember – but my literary heroes, Jerome K. Jerome and
Joseph Heller, come pretty close at times.
Q. If you could have
any animal from time immemorial as a pet for long freezing days and nights,
what would you choose and why?
A. Yes, I’ve often
asked myself the same question... Hmm, probably a self-feeding long-life goldfish.
I think you can buy them on Amazon, can’t you? A good bottle of whisky is all I
need for those long freezing nights, Tee. You can get good bottles of whisky on
Amazon, too, I believe. The last thing I need is a cute little squirrel playing
with his nuts on the sofa.
Tee: Oi mister! You casting aspersions on my Cyrils' nuts?
Q. How hard do you
find book promotion?
A. Impossibly hard. If
I were unemployed or working part-time, I would obviously try harder, though
doubtless with the same results. As things stand, I don’t even try. In any
case, even if I only sell an average of one book a month, I am the happiest
failure in the world. That’s the great thing about being an invisible self-publishing
author: you celebrate every single sale as if you had just won the pools. Well,
I do, anyway.
Q. Any tips or hints
you’ve found that were successful for you in promotion?
A. None whatsoever.
You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve been saying, have you, Tee? I’ve come
to the conclusion – 54 years too late, unfortunately – that the only way to
sell books that are rubbish is to be born, marry or sleep with somebody who is ridiculously
rich and/or fantastically famous.
Q. Favourite genres to
read and write?
A. I have very
eclectic tastes, Tee. Whatever that means. Basically, I’m happy reading
anything so long as the topic is interesting and the writer knows how to
punctuate and spell correctly. Too many years correcting my poor students, I
suppose. When it comes to writing, I feel more comfortable with comedy, but I
also enjoy trying my hand at soppy stuff if the subject is close to my heart.
Q. You’ve set up your
own fantasy publishing house using FB writer friends to help run it. What would
you name it? Who would you choose to run the different departments? As the
owner, how would you ensure the FB staff achieved success for you?
A. Wow! I suppose I’d
call it, “Books R Us”, “Crooks R Us” or something along those lines. Can I get
back to you on this? As for the different departments, there’s no way I can
find a position for all seven of my Facebook friends, Tee! Obviously, you would
be top of my list (Marketing & Cream Teas), as would dear old Reggie
(Networking, Beers & Pizzas). Poppet on Cover Design would be an absolute
must, and Sheila would be a great Copy Editor if we could only drag her away
from her camera.
Thanks a million for
inviting me to your blog, Tee. I’ve really enjoyed answering your questions.
Jx
My review of Dayrealing...
***Colin Rapper commonly known as `Crapper' works as an English
teacher in the zany world of Looniversal Learning. If you have a sense of
humour and can `back chat' you fit in nicely.
It's inhabited by students of at least the forty plus age group,
who's main objective in life is to make Colin's life as disruptive as possible.
Among the many varied subjects nestles `Cooking the books for crooks'.
Colin is very fond of making lists which he either can't find
when needed, or they turn up instead of reports he should be presenting to Miss
Snapper commonly known as `Miss Slapper'.
The beign of Colin's life appear to be the dithering,
treacherous, tone deaf - when it suits her - Miss Tedley and Jack. Their main
aim in life to wind him up on a regular basis. Miss Tedley and her friends also
cause mayhem when they attend the geriatrics aerobics class. `determined to get
down and with it'
Scott is the brains of the bunch. When he takes to the school
roof to hurtle himself into oblivion no one worries too much as he has paid his
course fees up front. As he hurtles through the roof onto the unsuspecting
Colin totally flooring him, Colin is heard to remark
"Look Scott if it's about that hyphen usage ......."
A typical quote from the book ....
"Why did you send Samantha home?"
"Because your Samantha set fire to the library"
"Nobody ever uses that bloody library. Why is it such a big
deal?
"Because Miss Tedley was in there having forty winks at the
time"
I never did work out what the mad cap Miss Tedley was doing in
any class apart from causing major disruption.
From the first page to the last I never stopped giggling and at
time even laughing out loud.
Quite often I felt I had slipped into a parallel universe or the
twilight zone.***
Links:
The Other Mike Church (Mike’s
blog)
“readable rubbish at a
reasonable price”:
dayrealing
“a novel audio book in
ten tortous, torturous hours (and five minutes)”:
dayrealing, Chapter 47
“Sugar Baby Love”
(excerpt)
For a free Audible
download code for dayrealing, please
contact Mike
Spanglish for Impatient People
“Learn the lingo in
less than an hour!”
Spanglish for Rhythmic People
“a dum-di phrasebook”
English for Monosyllabic People
“Speak English without
hardly opening your mouth!”
fifty shades of Spain
“a teacher’s torrid
tale in fifty simple lessons”
So there you have it my little chickadees. An extremely funny man.
Laters Potaters
